NEW YORK - After several tumultuous years in the entertainment industry, there are more signs than ever that things are getting back to normal for performers on the road.  In perhaps the strongest sign yet that touring is returning to pre-2020 levels, more and more comedians are once again using their appearances on FX’s canceled TV series “Louie” as a selling point to lure audiences.

“I mean, you had to mask that shit for a long time there,” admitted Burt “The Staten Island Hurt” Tarfelson, who played a stranger flummoxed by star Louis C.K.’s foibles in an early season.  “Just having been exposed to Louie made people wanna stay six feet away from you.  I was here in the city through the worst of it, and I can tell you, even after the Comedy Cellar reopened, just mentioning his name made it colder than a morgue truck in there.”

“The smaller towns, they kept it on the flyers the whole time, they didn’t give as much of a shit,” said Sheila Singletary, who played a bystander bamboozled by star Louis C.K.’s idiosyncrasies in an early season.  “People just assumed it was a normal thing, like the flu.  They’d see me, a woman on the road, and they knew I’d already been exposed.  To Louie’s dick.  I think some of them were just hoping I’d help spread immunity.”

But even in the larger cities, where caution ruled the day the longest, crooked and misspelled AS SEEN ON LOUEY FX lettering now appears on the marquees of more and more brewpubs with a side room that everyone pretends is a comedy club.

“I get it, you know, you can’t be too careful, you’re talking about people’s lives here,” shrugged Jackie Smurch, who played a citizen perturbed by star Louis C.K.’s quirky foofaraw in an early season.  “But you gotta balance that out with us little guys trying to keep the lights on, right?  You take this credit from me, all I got left is 'Laughs On Fox' from 2013.  I gotta keep touring to grab that brass ring, you know?  I see Louie up there getting a Grammy and selling out theaters and I’m like, hey!  C’mon!  Me too!”

The return of “Louie” credits feels like vindication to some, like veteran comedian Nick Di Paolo, who claimed from the beginning that locking down those credits was tantamount to tyranny.  “Hey, I was on the tee vee!” Di Paolo cried, when reached at a homeless shelter in Queens.  “Now I ain’t on-a tha tee vee!  Sebastian Maniscalco can lick deez-a nuts-a, capisce?”

Reached for comment about the changing fortunes of those in his wake, comedian C.K. broke into a sweat, made a distressed face, and dove into a Dumpster full of jizz-stained plain black t-shirts for cover.

- ​Keith Bergman
 

MIAMI BEACH – Legendary rockers Bon Jovi were forced to cancel their planned concert tonight at the Keystone Light Gatorplex in Miami Beach, Florida, after frontman Jon Bon Jovi’s daily Covid test yielded unexpected results.

The arena was already full of Floridians, some wearing shoes, when local morning show DJ Scrub “Gator” Foofaraw took the stage to give fans the bad news.  “Unfortunately, during a routine test, it was revealed that Jon Bon Jovi had tested negative for the coronavirus, making it illegal for the band to perform for you all in the great state of Florida tonight.”

Disappointed fans took to the internet to express themselves.  “OL’ NO COVID HAVIN ASS THINKS HE’S BETTER THAN US,” read a tweet from “GatorGator69,” while “PrezDeSantis” demanded “WHAT HAPINED TO DAYS WHEN,,,ROCKS TARS DID’NT LET WOKE MOBB AND POLIRTILCL CORRECTNESS STOP THEM FROM INFECTIN THE FANS WITH WHAT THEY WANT!!!1”

In a press release, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis insisted “the health and safety of Florida’s citizens, gators, and visitors is always my top priority.  However, if Mr. Bon Jovi had actually entered the state and spent more than an afternoon in Miami Beach, and somehow did NOT contract Covid, one has to wonder if he came anywhere near any Floridians at all.  Did he even intend to perform?  The Attorney General will be investigating.”

While the scene at the venue threatened to turn ugly, disaster was averted when the band Five Finger Death Punch, summoned by the roadcrew chanting “gator” three times into a coke mirror backstage, parachuted into the parking lot and took the stage for an impromptu hourlong set.  The band promised to spit into the waiting mouths of any and all fans after the show, “no matter how long it takes, or how many nanny-state commie science nerds try to intervene.  Gator.”

An anonymous source in the Bon Jovi camp says the group is committed to making it up to their Floridian fans, and are considering holding a free concert next year immediately after using portable toilets at the famed Sturgis Bike Week.  “Whoever survives until next summer is in for a real dose of Bad Medicine, and I don’t mean horse paste!” the source insisted, before shedding its human suit and slithering into a nearby swamp to hunt for small- to mid-sized prey.

Voicemails from former bassist Alec John Such were deleted unplayed just before press time.

- Keith Bergman

NEW YORK – A random spermatozoa captured under a glass slide and mixed with blood as part of the artwork for Metallica’s Load album cover has filed a lawsuit in the 13th Circuit Court, naming artist Andres Serrano, the four current members of Metallica, their record label, and all former band members as co-defendants.

According to the spermatozoa, one of approximately 100 million in the ejaculate featured in the art piece “Semen and Blood III,” “my brush with fame has proven life-altering, with tragic results.”  The suit calls for $1,000,000 in damages from each of the co-defendants, citing the anxiety of being seen by millions of people worldwide in an unfertilized state, leading to an inability to create life and fulfill its true purpose.

Named “Sperm Doe” in legal documents and nicknamed “Spanky” by the New York Post, the spermatozoa insists the time is right for legal action.  “I tried to contact the guys for years, just to be part of the band’s legacy,” Spanky revealed.  “They coulda reached out once, maybe.  Offered me a lift to an IVF clinic.  SOMEthing.  Instead I get caught up in the blinding flashbulbs of the art world, my flagellum out there for everyone to see, and then I'm tossed in a Williamsburg trash can in a bunch of blood without so much as a medical waste bag.  And in the early Nineties, no less!”

Reached for comment, a visibly agitated James Hetfield was heard to exclaim “I told you cheese weasels that froo-froo wack-off art was gonna be a problem, now, didn’t I?” before throwing a cookie tin full of sewing supplies at drummer Lars Ulrich, who shouted back “hey, my snare drum!”

When asked how a three-decade-old spermatozoa could gain sentience, much less stay alive long enough to file a lawsuit in 2021, Spanky yelled “look!  It’s a fan of Jason Newsted’s solo band!” and swam away when everyone turned to look.

- Keith Bergman

Break out the bubbly – or maybe a shoplifted bottle of Boone’s Farm – because 2021 marks three decades since the release of “Date With Poverty,” the would-be single from Metal Church’s major label swansong, “The Human Factor.”  While bands, relationships and friendships come and go in the fickle winds of the music industry, Metal Church’s date with poverty has been one that’s stood the test of time.

“We actually thought that song was gonna make us rich,” chuckled band founder and mastermind Kurdt Vanderhoof, picking stray boots and fish skeletons from a trash can in an alley while drinking from a brown bottle marked “XXX” and wearing a wooden barrel with shoulder straps.  “We thought it was so ironic.  We laughed and laughed!  Or else we would have, if we hadn’t all been near death from dehydration after Epic Records stiffed us on our advance.”

“It’s been a crazy thirty years, lots of ups and downs,” agreed vocalist Mike Howe, squeegeeing the windshield of Five Finger Death Punch’s tour bus against the driver’s wishes in hopes of some spare change.  “You never know who’s gonna stick with you.  At the end of the day, you can’t count on record labels, fans, even each other… but poverty is one date that never seems to stand us up.”
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With touring plans on hold, the band members’ relatives are said to be enjoying some down time before being asked to put plane tickets to Europe on their credit cards again in time for festival season.  “Don’t worry, though,” Howe assures the band’s loyal fans.  “As long as we can get to the headliner’s deli tray backstage before any of us passes out from hunger, the Date With Poverty tour will be back before you know it!”
 

Guest Editorial By Sen. Ted Cruz (R-TX)