FLORIDA BON JOVI CONCERT CANCELED AFTER NEGATIVE COVID TEST

MIAMI BEACH – Legendary rockers Bon Jovi were forced to cancel their planned concert tonight at the Keystone Light Gatorplex in Miami Beach, Florida, after frontman Jon Bon Jovi’s daily Covid test yielded unexpected results.

The arena was already full of Floridians, some wearing shoes, when local morning show DJ Scrub “Gator” Foofaraw took the stage to give fans the bad news.  “Unfortunately, during a routine test, it was revealed that Jon Bon Jovi had tested negative for the coronavirus, making it illegal for the band to perform for you all in the great state of Florida tonight.”

Disappointed fans took to the internet to express themselves.  “OL’ NO COVID HAVIN ASS THINKS HE’S BETTER THAN US,” read a tweet from “GatorGator69,” while “PrezDeSantis” demanded “WHAT HAPINED TO DAYS WHEN,,,ROCKS TARS DID’NT LET WOKE MOBB AND POLIRTILCL CORRECTNESS STOP THEM FROM INFECTIN THE FANS WITH WHAT THEY WANT!!!1”

In a press release, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis insisted “the health and safety of Florida’s citizens, gators, and visitors is always my top priority.  However, if Mr. Bon Jovi had actually entered the state and spent more than an afternoon in Miami Beach, and somehow did NOT contract Covid, one has to wonder if he came anywhere near any Floridians at all.  Did he even intend to perform?  The Attorney General will be investigating.”

While the scene at the venue threatened to turn ugly, disaster was averted when the band Five Finger Death Punch, summoned by the roadcrew chanting “gator” three times into a coke mirror backstage, parachuted into the parking lot and took the stage for an impromptu hourlong set.  The band promised to spit into the waiting mouths of any and all fans after the show, “no matter how long it takes, or how many nanny-state commie science nerds try to intervene.  Gator.”

An anonymous source in the Bon Jovi camp says the group is committed to making it up to their Floridian fans, and are considering holding a free concert next year immediately after using portable toilets at the famed Sturgis Bike Week.  “Whoever survives until next summer is in for a real dose of Bad Medicine, and I don’t mean horse paste!” the source insisted, before shedding its human suit and slithering into a nearby swamp to hunt for small- to mid-sized prey.

Voicemails from former bassist Alec John Such were deleted unplayed just before press time.

- Keith Bergman