Ask the Ghost of Cozy Powell

[originally published September 2000]

Dear Ghost of Cozy Powell,
I want to go see Dio on his current tour, but tickets in my city are sold out. Any suggestions for a way to sneak in backstage?
R.I.P.,
Stuck In Sacramento

Dear Stuck,
Shrink, gain fifty pounds of baby fat, and tell security you’re Simon Wright. If that doesn’t work, you’ll have to resort to the scalpers.




Dear Ghost of Cozy Powell,
Now that you’re in the afterlife, can you tell us if there’s any truth to the Christian right’s claim that heavy metal is "the devil’s music"?
Yours,
Rockin’ In Toronto

Dear Rockin’,
If it is, no one’s informed me. But I made it through security okay, so I think it’s all bollocks. If I see that black metal git, Euronymous, walkin’ around here sportin’ wings and a halo, then we oughta know for sure – I’ll keep ya posted. If there is a Satan, I’m pretty sure he’s the one responsible for the mix on Born Again and the lyrics to Forbidden.
Your bud,
Cozy




Dear Ghost of Cozy Powell,
My name is David Reece. I was in some bands, including Accept for their Eat the Heat record. Anyhow, that’s beside the point – I need some advice about a neighbor in my building. She’s really cool, and we’ve talked briefly when our paths cross in the lobby, but I’m not sure if I should ask her out. She’s kinda young – 25, at the oldest – and I don’t wanna come off like some jaded old lecher. I’m looking for a steady, long-term relationship, not just a "quickie." What’s a classy way to see if she’s interested, or should I just lay my heart on the line and let the chips fall where they may?
Your fan,
David Reece

Dear David,
You were on Eat the Heat? No shit? And you admit it? You actually joined Accept, thinking anyone was gonna take you seriously? Were you that desperate for a gig then, or did you just have your head up your everlovin’ arse? Just because the rest of the band was idiot enough to let such a farce happen, that didn’t mean you had to go sticking your willy into the pudding, now did it? And then compound the whole fiasco by making just about the worst hard rock record anyone’s never heard? "Generation clash – ain’t gonna wipe my nose"? That lyric wouldn’t get past Joe Lynn bleedin’ Turner, much less a Tony Martin or Ronnie Dio. I’m surprised you ain’t hanged yourself yet. What a twit!
What was the question?
T.G.O.C.P.




Dear Ghost of Cozy Powell,
Ever since my arrival in the afterlife a while ago, I’ve felt like I don’t really "fit in" with other dead rockers. I expected that, upon my death, I’d be able to spend eternity jamming with Hendrix and Freddie Mercury, talking shop with Phil Lynott, and generally having a blast with those who fell before me. But, to be frank, I feel kinda snubbed! I haven’t gotten to so much as talk to the ghost of Cliff Burton, and when I did see Hendrix, he didn’t say boo to me (sorry, bad joke). Anyway, is it because I was in Megadeth, or am I just not a big enough "rock star" to hang with these guys? I figured the afterlife would be the one place we’d get past all that crap!
Yours,
The Ghost of Gar Samuelson

Dear Gar,
Keep yer chin up, mate – I felt the same way when I first got here. You’re still thinking in human terms – remember, you’ll be here till the bloody Day of Judgement, so relax a little. Haunt a house, whisper bad ideas for songs into Dave Mustaine’s ear whilst he sleeps (or have ye been doing that already?) – hell, I was the only replacement considered for Johnny Bonham, and it took him nearly two human years to come say hello! The jam sessions will happen, but remember, everyone wants to rock out with those blokes, so give ‘em a decade or two. It ain’t like you're going anywhere. And look me up for a pint sometime!
Your friend,
The Ghost of Cozy Powell




Dear Ghost of Cozy Powell,
What’s your opinion of the Tony Iommi solo record?
Yours,
[email protected]

Dear M.V.,
Which one?
Cozy





Dear Ghost of Cozy Powell,
Can you predict the future? And if you can, please let me know what my future holds.
Yours,
Y. J. Malmsteen


Dear Y.J.,
No, contrary to some myth, we ghosts aren’t gifted with vision into the future. But in your case, lemme take a crack at it regardless. Your new album will come out this month, and the diehard fans you’ve relied on for years will rise as one and hang your fat arse from the nearest tree for fobbing such a shit mix upon them. Ye Gods, mate, did ye record that bucket of swill with your head in a clothes dryer? If I had ears any more, I’d be pluggin’ ‘em at the first note! Next time hire someone to produce the bloody thing, and clean the gobs of wax out of yer ears before you mix.
Oh, and thanks loads for finally listing me in the credits for playing on Facing the Animal – only took, what, five years and a reissue? Cunt.
Yours,
The Ghost of Cozy Powell





Dear Ghost of Cozy Powell,
I can’t win for losing! Two years ago, I was on just about every record and tour in the underground, from Mercyful Fate to Sinergy to Witchery to Dismember to Arch Enemy. I got really stressed out and couldn’t get my life together, so I came home and took time off to regroup. Now no one calls me, I’m depressed all the time, my girlfriend dumped me for Peter Tagtgren, and I’ve been thinking about selling my bass to get a Playstation 2. You were quite the journeyman – any advice?
Yours,
Sharlee D’Angelo


Dear Sharlee,
The trick, me boy, is balance. Don’t spread yourself too thin, or you’ll be a big ball of anger and stress, and you’ll think it’s a fabbo idea to relieve tension by racing a motorcycle down the road at high speeds, heedless of oncoming obstacles. Take it from me – not a good plan! And if you sit home doing fuck all, next thing you know you’re skint and bumming twenty quid off Tony Iommi, who only rings to remind you about it every five minutes or so (cheap bastard). Find a happy medium and stick to it! (and by medium, I do NOT mean that cow on Heatherington Row who keeps using that damnable Ouija board and trying to "get in touch" with me – you want a message from the afterlife, do you? PISS OFF and leave me in peace, you wench!)
Oh, and Sharlee, loved you on Burning Bridges – good work, that.
Your deceased pal,
The Ghost of Cozy Powell



Cozy Powell’s ghost will answer readers’ questions about life, love, the music business and miscellaneous topics. Send inquiries c/o this webzine – due to the volume of mail received, personal replies cannot be given, and Cozy can not "pass on a quick message" to deceased relatives. Specific questions about the afterlife also can not be answered, though Cozy would like to assure readers that God is definitely neither one of us, nor a stranger on the bus.


- Keith Bergman