BREAKING: SPERMATOZOA FROM METALLICA'S "LOAD" ALBUM COVER SUES FOR DAMAGES

Sperm Doe, a/k/a "Spanky," in its approximate location on the album cover in question

NEW YORK – A random spermatozoa captured under a glass slide and mixed with blood as part of the artwork for Metallica’s Load album cover has filed a lawsuit in the 13th Circuit Court, naming artist Andres Serrano, the four current members of Metallica, their record label, and all former band members as co-defendants.

According to the spermatozoa, one of approximately 100 million in the ejaculate featured in the art piece “Semen and Blood III,” “my brush with fame has proven life-altering, with tragic results.”  The suit calls for $1,000,000 in damages from each of the co-defendants, citing the anxiety of being seen by millions of people worldwide in an unfertilized state, leading to an inability to create life and fulfill its true purpose.

Named “Sperm Doe” in legal documents and nicknamed “Spanky” by the New York Post, the spermatozoa insists the time is right for legal action.  “I tried to contact the guys for years, just to be part of the band’s legacy,” Spanky revealed.  “They coulda reached out once, maybe.  Offered me a lift to an IVF clinic.  SOMEthing.  Instead I get caught up in the blinding flashbulbs of the art world, my flagellum out there for everyone to see, and then I'm tossed in a Williamsburg trash can in a bunch of blood without so much as a medical waste bag.  And in the early Nineties, no less!”

Reached for comment, a visibly agitated James Hetfield was heard to exclaim “I told you cheese weasels that froo-froo wack-off art was gonna be a problem, now, didn’t I?” before throwing a cookie tin full of sewing supplies at drummer Lars Ulrich, who shouted back “hey, my snare drum!”

When asked how a three-decade-old spermatozoa could gain sentience, much less stay alive long enough to file a lawsuit in 2021, Spanky yelled “look!  It’s a fan of Jason Newsted’s solo band!” and swam away when everyone turned to look.

- Keith Bergman