Charles Manson's Death Cited To Prove Every Point On the Internet by 9:15am EST

Notorious cult leader and convicted killer Charles Manson passed away this morning at age 83

​LOS ANGELES, CA - Data analysts at ICANN, one of the governing bodies of the internet, confirmed today that the death of infamous cult leader Charles Manson at age 83 had broken all previous Internet records for using a random event to prove a completely unrelated point.

"We logged the very first Manson citation literally seconds after the last breath left his body," noted researcher Wiffley Snidegarb, on condition of anonymity.  "One of the guards at the hospital, using the Twitter handle '@MAGAkaepsuckx4,' used Manson's long life as an argument for capital punishment, stating - and I quote - 'REST IN HELL U DOG SHIT DICK FART THEY SHULD OF FRYED U IN 1959 WHEN U DID IT.'"

Within milliseconds, Manson's passing had been used to both justify and condemn abortion, gun control, the music of the Beach Boys, drug use, circumcision, celebrity culture, chemtrails, every extant religion in the world, and the designated-hitter rule.  Politics was a key topic in the tweetstorm, ranging from the international stage (@Haramb3_dix: "THE U.N, FINALLY GOT TO MANSUM FOR WHAT HE KNEW ABOUT AGENDA 21... GET WOKE SHEEPLE!!!1") to the local (@livlafluv_kevswife: "Charles Manson's death is a DISTRACTION to take our eyes off the very important COMPTROLLER RACE here in Buehler County and THROW IOWA TO THE LIBERAL HORDES!"). 

ICANN logged no fewer than 470,000 "Y COULDNT IT HAVE BEEN TRUMP?!?!" tweets, all with identical capitalization and punctuation, as well as 396,452 "MANSON CODDLED BY OBAMMY,  DEAD IN 2017! ONE MORE SUCCESS STORY, BEST PERSIDENT EVER #TrumpTrain #MAGA" tweets, also all identical.  According to Snidegarb, while no conclusive evidence has been unearthed yet, early investigations hint that all these accounts originate in Vladivostok, Russia, tied to a master account known only as "@keel_moose_and_squirrel."

By 9:15am, ICANN's analysis had determined that every conceivable topic ever discussed by human beings since the dawn of spoken language had been either defended or attacked using Manson's death.  "As a species, we just generated more words in the last twelve hours than had been written in the whole of human history prior to yesterday, all of which led to a complete stalemate, no moving of the needle on any issue, and no minds changed," Snidegarb concluded. 

"Isn't the internet a pinnacle of human achievement?"

Snidegarb stresses that the data collected only measures Manson citations to prove unrelated points, and that no attempt is being made to calculate the number of Manson GIFs, repetitive hot takes from would-be comedians, and mislabeled photos of bearded Robin Williams, Soundgarden guitarist Kim Thayil and Al Borland from Home Improvement.  "The world only has so much computing power," Snidegarb concluded, excusing himself to fire off a tweet about the link between the Manson Family, the illuminati and Monsanto.
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- Keith Bergman