DIRECT DESCENDENT OF MURDEROUS WILD WEST GENERAL FORCES KIDS TO LISTEN TO "RUN TO THE HILLS" EVERY THANKSGIVING

​SHAKOPEE, WI - In a holiday ritual going back to at least 2010, sources report that metal fan Brian Hicks has once again insisted his three children -- Chert, 14, Brusque, 9, and Myadylyn-Alysyn, 4 -- sit and listen, "REALLY listen you guys," to the lyrics of Iron Maiden's classic song "Run To the Hills" before Thanksgiving dinner.

The elder Hicks, whose great-great-great-grandfather, Zebulon "Scalp 'Em First" Hickenlooper IV, personally murdered over fifty Native Americans and led a cavalry division that massacred hundreds more, insisted his children need to know their nation's history.  "Guys, this is all a true story," he pointed out, as the familiar drumbeat signaled the beginning of the song and all three children's eyes rolled in unison.  "This country was founded on blood and murder, by some real bad people, and they're not teaching any of this in school!"

Chert, unaware that his square jaw and steely gray eyes were nearly identical to the ancestor who once told a Senate hearing that "your Injun is somewhere between the level of a prairie dog and a buffalo, as cunning goes, but surely in no possession of a soul as our Creator would recognize it," told reporters "yeah, Dad gets like this every year once he gets into the wine.  When I was in third grade we made pilgrim hats out of construction paper, and he tore mine up and made me watch a commercial on Youtube where people littered and an Indian cried.

"Why'd I have to get the woke dad?"

Zebulon "Scalp 'Em First" Hickenlooper poses in this undated, unverified photo on condition of anonymity

Brian Hicks, whose family shortened their name and spent two generations in hiding in Montana after public outcry over Zeb Hickenlooper's bloodthirsty rampages, insists heavy metal is the only real teaching tool left.  "If Testament hadn't recorded [1989 single] 'Greenhouse Effect,' I wouldn't even recycle," he claimed.  "They don't talk about this stuff on the news.  You never hear about it.  Nope, for me and my family, it's CNN -- the Chuck Billy News Network!"

Hicks, who has never researched his genealogy and has no idea of his connection to a man who routinely smeared his victims' still-warm entrails on his face as war paint, was asked if he plays Anthrax's "Indians" for the kids after their required listen to "Run To the Hills."  "Come on, man," he replies, blanching visibly.  "Myadylyn-Alysyn's only four.  You want them to have nightmares?  You have to ease them into this stuff."

"Remember, kids," Hicks concluded, pulling a turkey out of the oven in a house passed down from his grandparents and paid for with the remnants of money Zebulon Hickenlooper embezzled from an Army fund that was supposed to pay for emergency rations during a cholera outbreak, "our history is full of atrocities that happened because good folks like our family didn't stand up and stay aware.  That's the most important thing to remember on this solemn and mournful holiday of appropriation and murder.  Anything else would be --

"Holy shit," he interrupted himself.  "Look how good this fucking bird turned out!"

​- Keith Bergman