Louis CK Jerks Off On Subway Car To Kick Off Comeback

NEW YORK - Comedian Louis CK, recently rocked by allegations of lewd conduct, has vowed to rebuild his career "from the ground up."  After decades as a writer, actor, producer, and director, masturbating in some of the most hallowed halls of show business, he has taken his act back to square one -- jerking off in front of random passersby in New York City's subway system.

"I realize the glory days are over," CK insisted, spit-lubing his hand and doing some pregame stretching on a platform at the 59th Street Station.  "This is gonna be like old times.  I know I can't just waltz back into the green room at Madison Square Garden, or backstage at the Tonight Show, when I wanna crank one out any more.  I gotta re-earn that right, one load at a time, maybe four, five times a night, right here on the streets where it all started."

Boarding a half-full car and mumbling a cursory "is it ok if I do this?" into the collar of his trademark black t-shirt, CK began pleasuring himself, to the dismay of the assembled passengers.   During the act, he was interrupted by several confrontational riders who demanded he stop.  Manager Dave Becky, surreptitiously recording the entire scene on his iPhone, handed each irate heckler a printed card reading "hey, I know how much you admire me and I guess this isn't cool," along with a download code for a $5 copy of the forthcoming highlight reel of CK's next hour, due out in three weeks.

Afterward, the sweating, red-faced auteur lauded the wank session.  "I got to finish, which, when you're at this level, you're lucky if you get fully erect before they're chasing you off the platform.  Boy, this really takes me back.  You strip away the big budgets, the power meetings with the suits, the paparazzi, and the frightened proteges having their hearts broken and careers ruined by my dick, and you just get back to basics, when it was all about maintaining an erection against all odds via the discomfort of others."

At press time, CK's management dismissed rumors of a comeback tour of the bathrooms and utility closets of the nation's B-market clubs as "premature."

​- Keith Bergman